


What's That Fucking Witcher Doing Now?

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Series: Horrible Gremlin Geralt Chronicles [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Video Game Mechanics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: Guards' running commentary on all  the ridiculous things they see Geralt doing, based on all the stupid things the writer has done while playing Witcher 3: Wild Hunt.
Series: Horrible Gremlin Geralt Chronicles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121384
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	1. Hunting Deer With Igni

~ What's That Fucking Witcher Doing Now? ~

"What's that fucking witcher doing now?"

"Looks like he's running around.... chasing a herd of deer."

"What's he doing that for? Doesn't he have a monster to hunt?"

"He took at least three different contracts. He's definitely not lacking for things to hunt."

"Maybe he needs target practice? Look, he's casting a fire spell."

"Ooh, he got 'em!"

"Oh, that one's getting away!"

"... and there he goes after it."

"Aw, he's off in the woods now. Do you think he got it?"

"No, look, he's coming back now."

"What's he doing? Ew, he's scooping up handfuls of raw meat from the corpses."

"Didn't he hunt them with a fire spell? At least take the cooked parts, you cretin."

"Hey, what's that hanging on his back? Is that... a crossbow? Why didn't he hunt the deer with that?"

"Fuckin' witchers, man..."

~oOo~


	2. Carrying Mugs of Beer in His Pocket, Apparently

~ What's That Fucking Witcher Doing Now? ~

"What's that fucking witcher doing now?"

"Looks like he's being attacked by a group of bandits. He's taking some pretty bad hits. Should we... help him?"

"Nah, man, I'm not leaving my post to help some witcher. If he can't take care of some bandits on his own, then how good of a monster slayer could he really be?"

"Ooh, he just took something out of his pocket... is that a mug of beer?"

"How did he even fit that in his pocket?"

"Must have _magic_ pockets."

"Now he's just chugging beers in the middle of a fight."

"Well, looks like he recovered and might beat those bandits after all."

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek, man. Seems like an odd item for healing even if eating food restores health. I find them everywhere.


	3. Running Around in His Underwear, Trying to Catch Wild Horses

~ What's That Fucking Witcher Doing Now? ~

"What's that fucking witcher doing now?"

"Running around in his underwear for some reason."

"Why? Is he gonna go swimming?"

"How would I know whether he's planning on going swimming? Do I look like a mind-reader to you?"

"Well, there is a river nearby, so I thought that maybe he was planning on going swimming. Can't think of any other reason he'd take his clothes off in the woods."

"Looks like he's trying to catch one of those wild horses... and before you ask, no I don't know what he's going to do with it. He's got his own horse already."

"Hey, do you hear that howling?"

"Here comes a pack of wild dogs!"

"Look at this dumbass trying to put his pants back on while he's being attacked by dogs. This is the funniest thing I've seen all week."

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the first and stupidest things I did was accidentally unequip my pants when I was trying to figure out how the inventory screen worked... and discovered you can take off all your armor and run around in your underwear.
> 
> ......... and then I got attacked by a pack of wild dogs while I was trying to catch a wild horse. The horses all ran away while I was fighting the dogs, too. :(


End file.
